[ About relapse...]

Couple of months have already passed and I don't know what I am feeling anymore ..
Or maybe I just stopped feeling .
You know the heavy treatment is numbing my fragile soul and shutting down my wild and fierce brain . 
I miss those moments when I could just sit by my own , dive into my limitless imagination; Imagine myself flying and dancing and crying and laughing.. Imagine myself burst out of life and reach out for a parallel universe.
I miss those moments when I used to feel full and invincible, when inspiration came to me whenever I set my eye on something and when my fingers played my keyboard walcing on the rythm of my loud emotions.. I missed It but I don't want It back .
You know that they call that state "Mania" ? A sort of madness that builds you up like a tour in order to destroy you piece by piece later on.
It was here again .
I fell ..
I relapsed ..
I thought I would never hit the ground again, I promised myself to never break down again, I promised myself to manage my life better , I promised myself to stand tall and toughen up.. but here I am on the floor crawling again, hanging to that light I am seeing and refusing to let go..
I am holding on again..
Holding tighter than the other times.
Someone told me " It doesn't matter if you fall down , It's whether you get back up" . And lately, despite the numbness I am feeling , I started seeing it clearer..
With every fall the rise is higher..
I am not ashamed and I am not afraid .
The battle became easier and the journey is more fun .
I am just becoming stronger, tougher , not invincible but steadier , less talented but wiser ..
I am becoming less what the sickness made me and more who I really am .